not A Shipbuilder

Waves - Photograph by Ray Collins

I - am - masquerading in a second language

            in a second language

wondering if I can dismantle all this distress

___this big magnanimous painful sensation 

and reassemble it into a ship

built of images and words-

let me call you a night sea, but unfortunately, not mine

and let me wonder, how could a sane man gaze upon a sea beautiful as you are

and not fall in love?

let me rewrite myself and (re)translate myself into a foreign tongue:

to learn how may I 

unsee 

unlearn

unfeel-

how may I mend the heart the melted [for you]

a sane man gazes upon the sea 

and does not reach out to you

occupied by his vulnerabilities 

a cardboard man

may lose his fingertips

afraid of drowning, he is an expert in drowning and losing himself

repeatedly

and he has decided not to repeat that

but how could a sane man

gaze upon the sincerity pouring out of your voice

and suspends the desire to walk into your waters

your sincerity accompanies me, a kindful sea

-but "sincerity" cannot capture what you are,

it's a an incomplete translation of you, can you see-

I gaze upon you and wonder if my heart could leak from my fingers 

extended 

reaching out towards you

my voice is thin and weak

and I -the sane man- listen 

attentively

to how keen and warm your voice [is] seems to be

I decide "nothing to lose here but my little voice"

that I would gladly lose into you

I imagine my soul lighter as I carry it and push it over the waves

the shackles in my ankles seem lighter too

what do I have to lose?

my voice-thin-and-anxious-a n d - f a l t e r i n g-and-confident-and excited-finally 

childishly

authentically like an old soul

I let his little hand 

so he can run to you

[believing] I am finally ready

against the odds

fuck the odds

and fuck me

and fuck the voice 

that fell down upon me

to teach me again, about life

"I am sorry but it's better to hear this from me

rather than having your love returned broken 

or empty-eyed to you;

this sea has let another man into her heart"

I grabbed his little hand, harshly

necessarily cruel to him - I was cruelty

and dislocated his joints so he may never run to you [again]

so I did lose my voice after all

and I did lose the heaviness of my soul

for I feel numb

and the hollowing void is feeding on its flesh

and I feel stupid, so fuck me

would you kindly teach me now how to hate you?

would you let me learn how to unlove you?

yet you would not-

yet we set together, again

me, crippled and voiceless -an exilic voice, a lost wanderer

on a green bench in a tiny garden

momentarily out of time

deliberately trying to expose myself - deliberately seeming otherwise

beside a night sea, unfortunately not mine, unfairly is gorgeous in black

playing with words,

and hopelessly gazing upon you through the double glass door

[flowing] through the corridor

thinking how I'll ride home to the farthest eastern side of the city I hate

and hug my retarded antisocial persian cat 

[that] who will contently sit and lay and burr beside you

but will never let a stranger touch her

she is probably the most intimate people in my life [now]

and this is probably what I deserve-

however - let’s play a game of semantics

I’ll call this a friendship

and you, believe it

I know you do

I’ll walk by your side

and won’t hold your hand

will sit next to you

and won’t caress your hair

we will talk, and I’ll masquerade my voice in nakedness

and bore you with ten ways to trick [our] writer’s block

and like the smartass I am, I’ll swallow my love

and vomit it -disfigured and dissolved- in words

will show you the ambiguous letters

tell you how I’ve become an expert in burying my feelings

six feet under the white surface of the A4 papers

and six feet behind the vertical depth of this glowing screen-

I’ll be a fake Messiah and do one last miracle

I’ll build my voice a ship

and make it walk on the image of a heavenly night sea

make it ascend, and let it suspend in the metaphorical void of [this] unrequited

voiceless asphyxiated love

will resurrect my voice 

and lead him home-

if such game of semantics had rules

this –for sure- won’t be called love

and I would be nothing

but [the] Fool__

A Waterfall Singing Into a Sea of Silence - III

[.....] I am amused with the funny fresh feeling in my wings; I am amused to the tempting sensation of getting lost where every direction seems like a forward to me. 

Where to go now? I see my reflections clearer than ever, I know what I want but I am floating like a steam boat with no coal. It never gets easier, that is the new truth and the only principle about life as I see it now; it never gets easier but I become better at coping with it. I stay a little bit shorter in bed every new morning, I eat cleaner food, I channel my despair and frustration into running and meditation… the one thing I really need is coming too slow to be enough, I write. I write, but it is not enough for those waiting my writings; I wonder what is holding me back if it wasn’t fear? What is crippling me and my soul that hard? The words I have not written condensed together and made a sea of songs. I rest in the waters of the sea inside of me when I am tired of flying. I take a never ending deep breath and I feel how my body greets the air flowing inside of me. The exhaled air carries many songs from the sea inside of me and my entire body resonates with it like a vintage wooden music box. I am fully connected to myself and the world. I see my sadness, I touch my fears, I push my body to the next trustless step, I set my sails into a sea of faith.

At the end of the day I lay down on a sheet of fresh green grass that is hidden between the realms of my existence, I gently stretch my muscles and then release them, I inhale a never ending deep breath, I exhale a never ending lullaby; the songs I have not sung transcend throughout the layers of my disappointment and depression… they transcend outside all the realms I can see, outside the whole universe…. The songs I have not sung whisper quietly to me and lift me like a cloud of green stardust… I am transcending, I am limitless, I am wide awake; I am a word written on the milky ways with bones and flesh and a humane soul.

"I move slow and steady

but I feel like a waterfall..."

 [Relief]